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Difficult Conversations about Death

Page history last edited by Lindsay Ciardelli 6 years, 4 months ago

What advice would you give a young person about approaching difficult conversations about death or loss?

 

Shoulder to cry on

One of the most meaningful things you can do when someone is dealing with a death or loss is to be there for them so they know they’re not alone. Being available to listen to and comfort your friend is important; if you can, empathize using your own experience. Though it may be easier to avoid grief under the guise of giving that person some space, it’s better for them to feel loved, not isolated. Fred Caldwell said, “If you’re present and compassionate and share unconditional positive regard, then that is enough.” Additionally, Vicky Lewis found that blankets often make the best gifts during difficult times, and suggests “taking initiative to do something specific” when trying to comfort someone.

 

Don’t take on too much responsibility

Remember that everyone handles grief differently. Some people may turn to outside sources, such as social workers or therapists, instead of you. It’s important to remember that it’s not your responsibility to have the right answer, or to say the right thing – not every problem has a solution. You can’t always make someone’s pain go away. Another word of advice is to steer clear of words of wisdom unless you know they will be well-received by that person. These include clichés (“They’re in a better place now,” “I’m so sorry for your loss,” etc.) and comments that have religious connotations, such as “I’m praying for you.” Placing your own spiritual beliefs onto another person has the potential to do more harm than good depending on that particular person. Know your audience.

 

Family

As you grow older, discussions about death and family are inevitable. They are quite generally the most difficult people in our lives to lose. Harvey Percy lost his ex-wife six months ago. Harvey Percy mentioned, “There is no easy answer. Everyone has their own way of doing it”. Ingrid Clancy learned to look at the positives after many years of grieving her husband’s death: “Rationalizing the pain can be hard, but it’s something you have to do" (Ingrid Clancy). Conversations preparing for the deaths of your parents as well as having to explain loss to your children will be difficult; and there is no easy way to talk about it. Planning and communication are the best ways to prepare for these discussions. Quite generally, people don’t know how to have these conversations, so if you’re struggling to approach these topics with your loved ones, know you’re not alone. 

 

Don’t make it about you

When comforting a friend, avoid making the conversation about you. Your previous griefs and experiences are not the same as theirs; and if you have never experienced something similar, under no circumstances should you pretend to understand. If someone chooses to open up to you about struggling with grief or dealing with loss, this is not an invitation to talk about yourself. Listen, try to understand, and be respectful. Gabrielle Burroughs said, “Sometimes, you need to let the person speak and share before you say anything.” In short, let the grieving person grieve; don’t try to redirect the subject to your own struggles.

 

This page was developed from interviews with:

Fred Caldwell, Felix Golding, Vicky Lewis, Marco Cain II, Ingrid Clancy, Harvey Percy, Gustav Lowry, Arthur Percy, Karl Salinger, Gabrielle Burroughs, Alex Ford

 

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